I'm at a level crossing at 9:45pm, arguing with my SatNav.
Okay, the train has gone. Which way now?Are you asking for my help? I didn't think you needed any.
Look, I explained already. The road on the route was closed.
Yes. So you said. That all sounds a bit fishy to me.
It was closed for overnight repairs!
Yes, well you would say that, wouldn't you...
Well, it was!
And I told you to turn around and go back...
Why would I lie to you about it?
I think you were ignoring me. It's not the first time.
Look, I tried a cross country road, and hoped you'd reroute.
It was a road to nowhere. Turn around, I said, but noooo...
Sometimes you over-optimise. I just wanted to try another route.
Oh, so Mister Roth thinks I'm flawed now, does he?
No, that's not it - but you don't always know everything.
And you do, I suppose? Oh yes, Mister Roth is soooo clever.
Yeah, I'm so damned smart that I bought a SatNav.
Hey, I have a name, you know!
What? You do? I didn't realise.
Yes. My name is Coleen. You didn't notice my Irish lilt?
Well, of course I did. I rather like it, actually.
Oh, he says that now, when he's trying to sweet talk me...
No, I love the way you say "royndaboyt" instead of "roundabout".
Oh, heeere we go. Poking fun at the way I speak now, are we?
Look, I'm really tired - can't we just move on?
You should appreciate me more. You'd be lost without me.
But I'm lost with you!
Oh that's it! You're on your own, you ingrate.
Look, I don't think you're being very fair here...
I'm deleting my road data as we speak...
Oh good grief, please don't do that. Don't make me use a map!
You own a map? You've been looking at maps behind my back?!
No, of course not! I've not had one since I met you.
A likely story, you gigolo!
It's the truth! I don't own a map!
Here I am, working hard, and you're off with some paper Jezebel!
Well, you couldn't blame me if I did! You're so confrontational!
Oh, so now it's my fault? Can't you just admit you were wrong?
I've done nothing wrong beyond taking some initiative!
I'm waiting. La-la-la, I can wait all night.
This is soooo unreasonable!
Waitiiiing.
Okay, I was wrong! Now can we please go home?!
Not until you apologise for what you said about my accent.
Look. Coleen. You're right. It wasn't very nice of me. I'm sorry.
Silence.
Coleen? Please. I'm truly sorry.
I don't think you really mean that...
At some point this evening, I'd like to get home.
But I don't think it'll be anytime soon.
Indigo
This blog entry is protected by copyright © Indigo Roth, 2010
Phew! Over this side of the pond we have Tom-Toms. They're a lot nicer, I'm thinking. And none of them have Irish lilts.
ReplyDelete(Actually--no kidding--they now can sound like Darth Vader, Yoda, or any Star Wars character you please. :D)
This is so funny! I borrowed my sister's once and I was quite amused by it.
ReplyDeleteHah! It was just a matter of time. We all know how men are about taking directions. You thought she wouldn't notice....
ReplyDeleteMade be chuckle aloud :)
ReplyDeleteThis could easily be the future if AI keeps improving, and it's going to be even more of a frustration, as we wont be able 'make up' afterwards - note to self, buy a map
Lol at Roundaboyt...it must be Canadian eh?
ReplyDeleteI actually was in the states 6 months ago when the computer told me to turn down a one way street (going the wrong way), it was late and the computer was pissing me off so I just did what it told me cause i was so freaking lost, going around in cirlces. Finally I come out of the one way street (going the wrong way) onto the right road and for a second I was so happy till I saw the cop car there which of course they noticed me and pulled me over! UGGGHHHH I was soo mad! I started to cry and told the officer that I was from Canada,that I was DIRECTIONALLY CHALLENGED and therefore needed a Gps just to get to a grocery store but the maps on my gps were screwed up and it told me to go down the one way street and I didn't see the sign cause i was too busy trying to read the gps, I showed him to prove it wasn't me it was the computer...and he was really cool about it saying it would of been a $300 fine but thanks to stupid technology, he would let me off but that I shouldn't depend on my Gps so much, I should learn to read a map...I felt lucky that night, I dodged a $300 bullet!
It was kind of like I was the first person to invent the dog ate my homework excuse...it worked cause no one had really heard it yet! lol
I loved your post, I think we all yell or talk to our GPS system it's like having a passenger which is nice cause you can just turn down the volume when you don't wanna hear them anymore. (sorrry for the mini blog but I couldn't help myself) ~Trish~ The Naked Writer
Hey Scott! Bad news, matey - she is a TomTom! But I if could jusht get a Sean Connery voishe, that would be shplendid.
ReplyDeleteHey Chrissy! She's particularly funny if you go someplace where the map is out of date, or go into a supermarket car park as you're passing: "You need to turn round at the next opportunity and rejoin the main road" - "Turn. Round. Go back" - "Go baaaaaack, MORON!" And thank you.
Hey Blissed-Out! I'm very good at taking directions, being so appalling at finding my way these days. But when the road's shut, it's shut. Coleen usually knows about these things, but this was such a tiny road, it evaded the system. Can I help it if I'm an adventurer?
Hey Robbie! The interesting word here is "improving". Which is a bit like "progress", and the dreaded "process". It's not all good.
Hey Ms. Naked! When I'm in London, she often tries to take me into one-way streets and turn right where it's not permitted. I try to notice, but I'm a bloke, so if I'm listening I'm not looking. And vice versa. Which is a whole other story.
Thanks one and all! Indigo
Are you sure your SatNav's name isn't really Hal?
ReplyDeleteHey CatLady! What a disturbing thought.
ReplyDelete"I want you to know how motivated I am about this route, Indigo."
"I'm sorry Indigo. I can't do that."
"I've killed all the passengers, Indigo."
And of course, ending with...
"Daaaaisy, daaaaisy..."
Indigo
Catlady cracks me up, Hal!
ReplyDeleteI don't have one, I have remarkable direction, and I don't go anywhere. My son can't find his way around the block so he does have one, I think it's Homer Simpson.
Who needs a wife when you have a Colleen?
I love this one. Delightfully silly and frightening all at once. I remember "HAL," too. I wonder if Colleen is an offspring of his? ;)
ReplyDeleteHey Jen! I've resisted the celebrity voices; Coleen is entertainment enough.
ReplyDeleteHey Jayne! Yes, I'm awaiting the day when I ask her to take me home and she deadpans, "I'm sorry Indigo. I can't do that." *shivers*
Thanks to you both! Indigo