Today starts as it always does, with coffee, cereal, and my horoscope.
As I munch on spoonfuls of malty cereal with added banana and strawberries, I flip through the newspaper. I hurry past pages of dry news, and wrestle with several colourful inserted supplements until I locate the Lifestyle section. To the left of a full-page article on bowel-cleansing spa holidays in The Maldives, I find the list of zodiac constellations.
Here we go. Scorpio:
Step away from your responsibilites today, Scorpio! This is a day to kick back and relax after recent troubles. Enjoy some time to yourself and recharge those physical and emotional batteries. Go on, you deserve it!
I lower the paper. Well, that sounds like my kind of thing. It has been a trying few weeks. I've been craving some decent downtime. Actually, it sounds wonderful. But no, there's a lot to do today. It's a luxury I can't really afford after a few days off work sick, however tempting it is.
I pick the paper up again, and notice a second paragraph for Scorpio.
But beware, Scorpio! The call of the office will be strong. Don't forget what a battlefield it can be - pointless meetings, unpleasant politics, idiotic edicts, endless red tape, and the relentless demands of people who respect neither your skills nor results. Screw that! You'll thank yourself tonight if you resist.
Wow, that's unusually specific. And colourful. And how did I miss it the first time? But it changes nothing; it's too easy to get behind and spend days fighting your way back up to date. I have to go to work, no matter what my horoscope says.
Hey, there's more. And it definitely wasn't here a moment ago.
Not convinced? What if we admitted that the "day to kick back" was actually a bit of a smoke screen? The truth is, there is an inauspicious planetary alignment today, and you'll find yourself coming up empty on all fronts; family, work, finances, friendship, and love.
Not a good day for love? Well, dammit!
Face facts Scorpio, this is not a day to venture out into the world. Carpe diem? Forget it. Make any effort to seize the day, and it'll be two steps forward, five steps back. All. Bloody. Day. Come bedtime, you'll be a shattered wreck of a man, wrung dry like an old dishmop.
Good grief, when you put it like that...
In fact, did we mention that your car battery is dead? Or that there's a Venezualan sniper taking potshots from the top of the nearby block of flats? And that you'll be run down, trampled and gored by a rogue rhino as soon as you step onto the pavement?
I sigh and toss the paper aside.
And that's if you make it past the landmines!
Some days the universe does its best to tell you something.
I find it's usually a good idea to pay attention.
I finish my coffee, call in sick, and head back to bed.
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