Monday, October 15, 2012

Guile Hoves Into View

Crazy is as crazy does.

It’s yesterday. I'm having tea in the back garden. My friend Ziva, of Ziva's Inferno fame, has dropped by. We've known each other for what seems like years, and the tiny resident of Finland is comfortable enough to speak plainly.

Roth, you schmuck, she says, endearingly cuffing me round the head while standing on a box in four-inch heels, why haven't you been taking part in the 30 Days Of Photography Challenge?

It’s a good question. The challenge, the illegitimate brainchild of bloggers Ziva and Mike, sets a different topic every day for a month; one topic, one photo, every day. I like the idea, and enjoy photography, but don’t want to hand my blog over to it for over four weeks to do it.

I mumble something noncommittal and gaze somewhat shiftily at the blue sky through the trees.

Ziva’s having none of it, but she knows I'm a tough sell; some guile hoves into view. Indigo, why not do a catch-up entry at the weekend? she purrs amiably. Bless her, it almost sounds like a question. Game over.

Ziva even consents to a photo to get me started. However, as you can see, she's terribly camera shy.

 Pointing out where the camera is doesn't seem to help. But what’s that you say, dear reader?

Hey Indigo! Wowsers, what awesome hair Ziva has!

I know, right?!

So this is my catch-up. Fourteen days in one go. Run now, there’s still time.

Oh, the punchline? By the time I took the photos, Ziva had headed out for dinner with the house’s resident lion, King. I notice that my best necktie is missing.

What can I say? ZZ Top were almost right.

Every girl’s crazy about a sharp-dressed cat.


Day 1 - Shiny

 A metal peacock. Okay, tell me it’s not shiny.

Day 2 - Fast

 When the doctor says to go easy on the fast food for a few weeks, I have no choice but to fast. A few blueberries and raspberries? Think of it as Dinner.

Day 3 – Above My Head

 Sometimes you’re in the right place at the right time. Better yet, with a camera.

Day 4 - Sour

 It’s better on the Continent, but the UK Fanta Lemon still rocks.

Day 5 - Lotion

 Okay, not strictly lotion, but good for my hands.

Day 6 - Vibration

 Good grief, I think my teeth are shaking.

Day 7 - Craftsman

 “And He made an origami frog, an exquisite form from a single uncut square of Abaca fibre paper. And when He finished the intricate box pleating and shaping, He breathed life into it. And it jumped out of the window.”

Day 8 - Hair

 Some have it, some don’t. On the whole, as a guy, I like “with”.

Day 9 - Rules

 I don’t like Rules in general. I like Order. But in a car park, I like these rules just fine.

Day 10 - Stalker

 It waits, it watches. And when the time is right, it strikes. And takes it home as a present for its mother.

Day 11 - Heavy

 “It sat under sullen skies and in its stone, it knew the weight of its presence.”

Day 12 - Five

 The five best tools I own.

Day 13 - Calm

 Because Eternity is a long time, he insisted on quiet neighbours.

Day 14 - Secret

 My lease does not allow me to have pets. But between you and me, this dog shares my house. I’m not sure how the landlord would feel about my fish. Or my peacock.

Indigo

This blog entry is protected by copyright © Indigo Roth, 2012
All photos are protected by copyright © Indigo Roth, 2012

Thursday, October 11, 2012

* Trying Not To Overthink It

This blog entry has been removed, revised and included in the romping sci-fi epic TESTAMENT: FUNNY BADGERS by Indigo Roth, Red Angel Publishing, 2013.

Its reference in the book is 3 ROTH 3:1-12

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Monday, October 08, 2012

* Some Scratching Of Chins

This blog entry has been removed, revised and included in the romping sci-fi epic TESTAMENT: FUNNY BADGERS by Indigo Roth, Red Angel Publishing, 2013.

Its reference in the book is iDIFFICULT 1:1-73

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Sunday, October 07, 2012

* It's Even The Same Colour

This blog entry has been removed, revised and included in the romping sci-fi epic TESTAMENT: FUNNY BADGERS by Indigo Roth, Red Angel Publishing, 2013.

Its reference in the book is MAX 6:1-52

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Thursday, October 04, 2012

The Symmetry Of Eleven

As I flick through the news, I notice that some bright spark of a scientist has been reinventing the wheel again and generally upsetting people by pointing out that classical horoscopes are wrong.

His closer examination of the sky reveals conclusively (and for the umpteenth time) that there's a thirteen zodiac sign - Ophiuchus the Serpent Bearer - and that this means changes to the dates of all the other astrological signs. Did you see that?

Were I truly interested in my Scorpio heritage and the fact that apparently I'm now a Libra, I might get upset. However, I've been a devout follower of The Elevenfold Zodiac for years. This was cobbled together by myself and Max Tunguska after a particularly heavy night out. The ale was good and the curry superb. Just when we thought it was all over, the schnapps gave us second wind. And then the curry gave us our third, and we had to evacuate.

When we awoke, we discovered the horoscopic secrets of the universe written in crayon on Max’s lounge wall. We considered this an epiphany, and of overriding importance to the world. But that was not accepted as a defence by Max’s long-suffering wife, and once again we had to evacuate.

Happy days.

Anyway, to give you a taste, here's today's horoscope.

Elevenfold Zodiac
by Mystic Max, Week Ending Wed 10 September 2012

The Cosmic Sock (Jan 2 - Feb 7)
Termites in your wooden leg get the day off to a bad start. You may soon feel you're moving in strange circles. Lucky fruit: Kumquat.
The Rusty Saw (Feb 12 - Mar 15)
A flock of seagulls prove once and for all that you really shouldn't wear white before Arbor Day. Or indeed, black. Lucky swelling: Gout.
The Swing (Mar 19 - April 22)
You know, then you don't, then you know, then you don't. Just decide, already! Blueberry muffin, ice cream, or both? Lucky egg: Chocolate ostrich.
The Traffic Light (April 25 - May 29)
The gaping hole in your social life turns out to be a collapsed sewer. Hairy men with buttcracks will knock soon. Lucky soup: Butternut squash.
The Casserole (June 3 - July 10)
Royal matters consume you today, but the Queen Of Sheba is not your friend. I mean, seriously. Think about it. Lucky medium: Watercolour.
The Stain (July 13 - Aug 15)
Time is a great healer, but lousy at removing ground-in treacle. Shock therapy provides relief from an embarrassing itch. Lucky bird: Gooney.
The Inflated Bladder (Aug 20 - Sept 25)
They're somebody else's piranha, perhaps a heartbroken child's. So check the lost and found before keeping them. Lucky celebrity: Topol
The Stuffed Terrier (Sept 28 - Oct 28)
A trip to the great outdoors will inspire you to stay home more. Remember that canned goods last longest. Lucky cake: Raspberry danish.
The Paint Pot (Nov 01 - Nov 20)
As a wise man once observed, liquorice is no substitute for charcoal. Rain will almost certainly stop play. Sorry. Lucky president: Adams.
The Crowbar (Nov 22 - Dec 27)
Violence may be the answer! Be sure to carry your chainsaw for the Zombie Apocalypse descending after lunch. Lucky vein: Hepatic portal.
The Amoeba (All unlisted dates)
You confirm that you're the glue holding the universe together when you end up stuck to an aardvark. Lucky mammal: Not the aardvark.
Some small-minded types have suggested that there is actually a twelfth zodiac sign in this system, and that it was lost to the world because the crayon broke. Even though I can't remember, I'm going to scotch this rumour. I'm not going back to fix it all on a whim of some non-believer; it's just a bit of fun after all.

By the way, we've still not been forgiven by Max's wife for the crayon on the lounge wall.

Nor for the fireworks.

But that's another story.


Indigo

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Wednesday, October 03, 2012

* Where Lies Adventure

This blog entry has been removed, revised and included in the romping sci-fi epic TESTAMENT: FUNNY BADGERS by Indigo Roth, Red Angel Publishing, 2013.

Its reference in the book is RUMINATIONS 8:1-5

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Tuesday, October 02, 2012

* Flapping Wings Theatrically

This blog entry has been removed, revised and included in the romping sci-fi epic TESTAMENT: FUNNY BADGERS by Indigo Roth, Red Angel Publishing, 2013.

Its reference in the book is iDIFFICULT 3:1-25

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This blog entry is protected by copyright © Indigo Roth, 2009-2014